In relationships, there are balances of control and power to navigate. Does someone have the last (or only) word? Is there trust and cooperation? Is there independence along with interdependence? Is there shared responsibility, or victimization and blame? Is there a balance between sensitivity and …
Expectations
Expecting too much from your spouse or your marriage is a recipe for disappointment. Consider what it would mean to have a “perfect” marriage. Would it mean that your spouse is perfect? In whose estimation? What are the chances of having a perfect spouse? But wait—does that mean you must also be …
Acceptance
In a discussion about acceptance in marriage, it’s useful to go back to the Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) definition of acceptance, or “radical acceptance,” as the skill is called. Radical acceptance means accepting our current reality, whatever that is. In the context of marriage, radical …
In it Together
We’ve talked about several aspects of splitting up household duties. Here are a few more things to consider. The division of chores should be an ongoing dialogue. Any new system will need tweaks, and you may discover new things about what is important to you or your spouse. That’s OK. As we said …
What is Fair?
There won’t be any equitable division of chores unless everything is accounted for! As we mentioned in the previous post, that includes “keeping financial records, home maintenance, shopping, planning, cleaning, cooking, childcare, transportation, etc.” (Stritof, 2020). Petriglieri, author of …
Discussing Chores
When the time comes to ask your spouse for more involvement in the household chores, there are some important things to consider. It’s helpful to gain clarity yourself so that you will be able to speak with “I” statements. Ask yourself how you perceive the current situation: is it a lack of …
Dividing Responsibilities
In a previous post, we mentioned that sharing household chores is considered an important component of a successful marriage, and that having an agreed-upon system of dividing the chores made a difference in how well couples got along on a day-to-day basis (Bradbury et al, 2013). Attitudes toward …
Expressing Needs
Expressing your needs might seem to be a simple thing—and it is if you take ownership of them and do only that. This is not to say it’s always easy to state directly and simply what you need. Some of the most important things about expressing our needs are what we need to leave out! Use “I” …
How to Disagree and Argue
Disagree? Argue? Are these even things we should be doing? The answer isn’t a pat ‘yes’ or ‘no’—it depends on how you are arguing or disagreeing. Arguing in a healthy way can strengthen your marriage and deepen your relationship with your spouse. The author of the best-selling book Crucial …
Communication
Every marriage needs good communication. If you or your spouse are unhappy in or with the marriage, this will be communicated in some way … attitudes, body language, decisions, even lack of communication—so why not communicate openly and honestly about what is difficult for you? Communication is …
Willingness
What is willingness? The dictionary definition might be something like “the quality or state of being prepared to do something, readiness.” In the context of Navigating Women’s Roles, we also use the concept of willingness that comes from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). In …
Balance and Pacing
The marriage entities, you, me, and us require quite a bit of balancing to all survive and prosper. How can I be supportive of my spouse without abandoning myself? If I abandon “me”, it will lead me to resenting him, because it will seem like he, and us, are crowding “me” out. This resentment, and …
Boundary Guidelines
As we’ve said previously, boundaries help to protect relationships. Setting healthy boundaries keeps balance in the relationship and provides protection for the individuals through safety in the relationship (Echo-Hawk, 2006). According to Eldemire, “Boundaries are unique for every individual. …
Setting Boundaries
In the previous post, we discussed the importance of boundaries in marriage. It is worth repeating that healthy boundaries lead to healthy relationships. Boundaries don’t detract from the marriage relationship, they enhance it. Eldemire (2020) puts it this way: “… boundaries aren't restricting or …
Boundaries
How do boundaries work in a marriage? What areas of a marriage benefit from boundaries? What are the advantages of having clear boundaries? According to Eldemire, “All healthy relationships have healthy boundaries. Boundaries provide the freedom to express your needs and values …
Grounding
The terms grounding and centering are sometimes used interchangeably. When a distinction is made, centering usually refers to our state of mind (mental and physical), while grounding refers to our connection to the earth. The term earthing is also used for grounding. We might call someone who is …
Self-awareness
Why is self-awareness important? When how we see ourselves aligns with reality, and with how others see us, we are more apt to have successful relationships. George, et. al. discovered that “positive illusions diminish relational satisfaction. The only setting in which benefit occurs is when …
Self Identity
We have written about the three identities in a marriage, and about the need to keep all three going, and growing. Since the wife is the partner most likely to “lose” herself in the marriage, let’s dig a little deeper into the importance of her (and his) individual identity. A worthwhile read is …