Seriously pushy people are called bullies. You can probably imagine the tough kid on the playground, literally pushing people around. Most pushy people we interact with are boundary-pushers—people-pushers in the figurative sense. They are trespassers who do not recognize or do not respect boundaries. They may be the interrupters who always dominate the conversation, or the people who demand answers to nosy questions.
One reason pushy people are often hard to deal with is because they “push our buttons” – that is, our interactions with them bring out our own issues and insecurities. Maybe we become angry at them because we do not have good boundaries. Maybe we give in, and then feel guilty for whatever we allowed to happen.
It might be obvious that the key to dealing with pushy people is boundaries—our own boundaries. A good initial strategy, though, is to buy time: “I’ll think about that and get back to you.” You may need to think about your own boundaries—what you want to say or don’t want to say, what you want to do or don’t want to do, what you want to allow or don’t want to allow concerning yourself. It is difficult enough to set boundaries, but not even knowing where your boundaries are makes it impossible. If we do not know, the other person will decide for us—and that is when we end up feeling defeated, angry, or guilty. So, if you are unsure where your boundaries are, buy some time to find out.
Realize that it is OK for you to have boundaries that differ from what someone else wants. Just because the other person asks a question does not mean you have to answer it. When it comes time to state your boundaries, use “I” statements—you are not stating what someone else should or should not do. You are not criticizing the other person—you are setting your boundaries. “I’m uncomfortable talking about that right now.” “I don’t answer questions like that, even when people really want to know.” “I consider that private information, and I don’t share it.” The other person’s reaction does not need to change your boundary. “What do you mean, you don’t like to answer my questions—do you have something to hide?” There is no need to raise your voice or insist. “I consider that private information and I don’t share it.” You can keep calmly repeating “I” statements as many times as you need to – ad infinitum – without arguing or getting upset. When you’ve said “I consider that private information and I don’t share it” the fifth or sixth time (and you’re not upset), the other person will begin to get the picture that you have a boundary and you are standing by it. Remember, it is your boundary – it is not anything “against” them, it is all about you. (You can even say that if necessary: “This isn’t anything against you, it’s what I do for myself.” Or “I know that not everyone shares my feelings/opinion about this, but this is what I am comfortable with.”) The pushy person may eventually roll their eyes, shake their head, and say that they’ve never seen anyone as crazy as you—but they will have to respect your boundary as long you respect it.
If you expect to be faced with this kind of a situation, it can be very helpful to find your boundaries and practice your responses ahead of time (or one of your responses multiple times!). Remember, it is your boundary!