Physical flexibility can help us reach places and do things that we couldn’t otherwise, keep us from getting hurt if we fall, and help us to make progress by getting over, around, or through obstacles.
Mental flexibility is much the same. It can help us solve problems, reach conclusions, be safe emotionally, and overcome obstacles. We have more choices. It helps us to “think outside the box”. Just like our bodies can become more flexible with strategic stretches and exercises, we can also practice flexible thinking.
We need to use self-compassion to think flexibly. Intense physical effort with no warm-up or trying to run a marathon without practicing shorter races, is sure to leave us stiff and sore. Likewise, part of flexible thinking is giving ourselves permission to not have all the answers at the starting line. We need permission to experiment and find what works. That may mean struggling and/or failing in the process! For teaching or parenting, this is what would be called helping children develop a “growth mindset”—a way of thinking that is based on curiosity, problem-solving and effort. This can be done by offering encouragement rather than praise, along with additional strategies.
It is important to know that you are not confined to inflexible thinking and behaviors. Every small effort and “stretch” will help you to move out of being stuck in rigid or black-and-white thinking. It is important to question your own narrow points of view or all good/all bad thoughts about yourself. Next time you think (or say), “well, that was a total failure!”, stop to question yourself. Was it a total failure? Was it even really a failure at all? Did you just fall a little way short of “superb”? Is there something you could learn from the experience that would even make it helpful?
In situations where you find yourself thinking about only two extreme opposites—whether it’s judging someone’s character or problem-solving—stop to consider a middle possibility, or to explore a strategy between two extremes. Instead of “I’ll never be a good student!”, try something more moderate: “Wow, I’ve had a hard time keeping my grades up lately…I wonder if there’s something I could do differently” or “That test was really hard, but overall my grades are OK”. Instead of “people who do X must be crazy!”, try “I wonder what motivates people to do X? Doing X doesn’t really appeal to me, but they seem to get something out of it.” An alternative to “I’m making a total mess out of this!” would be “This doesn’t seem to be turning out how I want it to. I wonder what adjustments I can make.”
There are usually many more options and possibilities than rigid thinking would imply—so practice flexible thinking!
More food for thought: