We often change over time, and hopefully that change is growth. It’s possible for one spouse to feel betrayed—or possibly left behind—if the other has changed significantly, especially if they feel that the other spouse has changed to be less committed to the marriage. A better outcome is that growth in one spouse will be a help to the marriage.
Consider the title of the article How my Wife “Outgrowing” me Saved our Marriage. The author begins:
The idea that people can outgrow each other is a popular rationale for those who are dissatisfied with their relationship. It is also not true. People who think they have outgrown their partner misunderstand how real growth works. The great thing about growth is that it always has a positive impact on relationships, even when it appears that only one partner is doing the growing
(George Pransky, 2019).
How does personal growth have a positive impact on relationships? “Growth makes us more accepting of incompatibilities, makes us more resourceful in addressing difficult life situations, and allows us to see beyond petty problems, to the goodness and beauty that lies within us and our partners” (2019).
Two partners can “grow” apart, or “grow” more distant, and eventually want out of the relationship, but as Pransky also points out, that has nothing to do with changes in their interests or personalities. If the marriage is nurtured, growth of the individuals doesn’t need to negatively impact the marriage. It is more likely to help it (2019).
According to Brown (2017), a sexual empowerment coach, saying that we “outgrow” our spouse implies that something just “happens” to us. She doesn’t believe that relationship changes are quite so passive—like outgrowing our clothes. Rather, “every development in how we connect with our partner is a conscious and intentional change shaped by our own choices and desires.”
Green (2016), who writes on using the trials and transitions of life as fuel for living, says that personal growth is necessary: “A healthy relationship is two individuals working together. A healthy relationship is kind of like a trinity, two individuals create something deeper and better than themselves, yet they are still themselves. For a relationship to grow, you must also grow as an individual and not lose yourself.”
So, if when taking inventory, you find that you have grown and changed, realize that personal growth in the context of a committed marriage can be a benefit to the marriage. In a University of Missouri Extension publication, Leigh & Clark (n.d.) offer the following encouragement:
When spouses choose to make changes in themselves first, regardless of what their partner does, they are often surprised to find that the overall quality of their relationship improves dramatically. In an ideal situation, of course, both spouses continually strive to improve themselves and overcome their weaknesses. However, one spouse is often more committed to self-improvement than the other, at least for a while. Nevertheless, even if the other person does not feel a need to change himself or herself, the marriage will likely improve through the efforts of the one trying to change.
Being accepting of your own changes and allowing your spouse to change at their own pace can strengthen rather than diminish the “us” in marriage.
Green, S. (2016, January 28). 11 Tips That Help Couples Keep Growing In A Relationship. Lifehack. https://www.lifehack.org/358731/11-tips-that-help-couples-keep-growing-relationship
Leigh, S., & Clark, J. (n.d.). Creating a Strong and Satisfying Marriage. 8. https://extension.missouri.edu/media/wysiwyg/Extensiondata/Pub/pdf/hesguide/humanrel/gh6610.pdf
Pransky, G. (2019, February 21). How my Wife “Outgrowing” me Saved our Marriage. Pransky & Associates. https://www.pranskyandassociates.com/post/how-my-wife-outgrowing-me-saved-our-marriage
Brown, S. (2017, August 3). The Laughable Myth of one Partner Outgrowing the Other. The Good Men Project. https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-do-women-outgrow-their-partners-tncl/