In a previous post about boundaries, we mentioned how we use expressions about physical boundaries to apply to emotional boundaries: “He gets under my skin” or “Keeping someone at arm’s length.” The term Personal Space usually refers to physical space, but it can also mean an appropriate emotional distance.
Part of emotional intelligence is the ability and willingness to respect others’ personal space. This may mean being sensitive to the other person’s comfort zone. If you approach someone and they back up, respect the distance they are creating. More tips to help respect others’ space:
- Ask if they want a hug / if you can give them a hug (don’t, if they don’t invite it)
- Don’t come up behind someone and pat them on the rear, put your hands on their shoulders, or put your arm around their waist. Don’t intrude on someone’s personal space as a surprise.
- Be aware of children’s space as well – follow their lead. For example, it can be condescending to pat a child on his or her head.
- If you are a caregiver, protect the child from unwanted contact. Let them hide behind you if they need to. Relatives don’t need to hug them if the child doesn’t want it.
It’s important to set boundaries on our emotional space as well – and respect boundaries set by others:
- Instead of asking directly (which requires an answer or a refusal to answer), say “I wonder …”. This lets the other person know you are curious but doesn’t require an answer. If they don’t respond – leave it at that.
- Don’t talk about things you don’t feel comfortable talking about. If necessary, use an “I” statement: “I don’t feel comfortable talking about that (right now)”. If someone insists on gossiping, for example, and you don’t want to be a part of it, excuse yourself and leave.
- Set time boundaries and expectations up front: “I’d love to talk—just know that I only have about five minutes right now.” “At 5:00 I need to leave.”
- Practice reflective listening: “So you’re wondering if we knew ahead of time about the party…” The other person may even explain themselves further: “Yes, I felt left out, like I was the only one who didn’t know.”
- If someone declines an invitation, accept that.
If others decline something you propose, it’s easy to make assumptions or take it personally. Remember, when someone exercises a boundary, it’s about their own needs. If we don’t set our own boundaries when we need to, we will likely feel resentful – like the other person is intruding—when really, we need to set a boundary.
It is also possible to keep an understood “space” in the absence of physical space. For example, on crowded public transportation, people may be packed together, but the space is understood: you don’t converse with the people around you, you don’t rest your head on someone’s shoulder, and even if you are shoulder-to-shoulder, you don’t allow yourself to touch others in sensitive places. You don’t breathe in the other person’s face or hang onto their clothes. A child might not have their own room, but they can put a sign on their bed that says, “NO TRESPASSING!” If adults find themselves closer than they would like to be – for example, in an emergency shelter or temporary housing, it’s important to give others space by just not looking at them all the time, or not noticing everything they are saying and doing. If someone keeps trying to talk, or isn’t giving you the space that you need, you can find a position with your back turned, or simply close your eyes. There are various ways to create your own space even without physical space.
Be aware that it is important to create your own personal space and to respect others’ space. No trespassing!
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