Relationships can be enjoyable and helpful, or stressful, and are almost always some combination of both. Relationships take work. Being more skillful is like sharpening a cutting edge – the work is easier, and we are not working as hard to get the results we want. Being skillful in our relationships can help tip the balance toward a rewarding relationship, while reducing the stress levels.
We are all unique human beings, which implies that there are always differences between us. How we approach these differences, and how we communicate about them is key to being able to fully participate and to blend with other people in relationships. Even relationships where the rules of conduct are somewhat set, like relationships at work, benefit immensely from good communication—of expectations, abilities, needs, wants, etc. This is even more important in intimate relationships, where the partners are emotionally involved with each other. In family relationships, our skillfulness, or lack of skill, can have a big impact on other members of the family.
Developing the self-awareness that we have discussed in earlier posts is helpful in relationships. Understanding ourselves can help us to understand others. Being able to observe our thoughts and emotions without judging them can help us to take a step back when emotions are spiraling out of control in a relationship and observe (and communicate about) what is happening. (This takes practice and commitment, so if things seem to be spiraling out of control quickly in a high-stakes relationship, a therapeutic intervention such as counseling can be helpful in turning things around.)
The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
George Bernard Shaw
Communicating and listening are the two golden skills for successful relationships of any kind. Using a tool such as the Awareness Wheel® to guide our attempts to communicate can help ensure that we have communicated fully—that the communication has actually taken place!
Likewise, listening is an invaluable skill for communication. Active listening involves a lot of give and take. When we successfully listen, we give others the gift of “being heard”—just as we would like to be heard and understood when we are the ones trying to communicate.
In the next posts we will talk about more relationship skills!