The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
– George Bernard Shaw
Children are encouraged to “Stop, look and listen” before crossing railroad tracks or streets. Why? Because being unaware can be life-threatening. Have you ever considered the consequences of not stopping, looking, and listening when it comes to communication?
Sometimes we think of communication as talking or speaking. However, it takes two to communicate, and listening is every bit as important as talking.
There’s an art and a skill to listening. It takes practice to really listen. Hearing what the other person says with your mind racing to formulate how you will answer is thinking and *not* listening. Listening means concentrating on what the other person is saying enough to be able to repeat accurately not just the other person’s words, but also their meaning.
Researchers Miller, Sherod, and Phyllis, who developed the Awareness Wheel®, also developed The Listening Cycle®. But wait—listening cycle? Isn’t listening a straight-line activity? It turns out that active listening involves a lot of give and take!
Active listening involves using your ears and eyes and responding to what the speaker is saying.
- Make eye contact and use nods, acknowledgements, and exclamations (“uh-uh”, “oh wow!”)
- Summarize and paraphrase to ensure you heard accurately (especially feelings and wants): “So, you’re saying that you just feel like giving up?”
- Encourage the speaker with something like “tell me more about that…” Ask questions, but only open-ended questions (who/what/when/where/how). Avoid closed questions, interpretations, judgments, or “why” questions.
- Open-ended: What did you want to happen? How do you feel about that?
- Closed or judgmental: Why didn’t you take the other route? Are you upset with me?
Reflective listening is similar to The Listening Cycle® in that both involve acknowledging and summarizing what the speaker says. It can also be used to preserve the listener’s boundaries. The listener acknowledges what the speakers says but “reflects” it back as belonging to the speaker—the listener does not “own” it. It doesn’t belong to the listener. The listener does not need to agree or disagree. It is like holding up a mirror. The speaker can feel “heard” and may even explain more (like the “inviting” phase above), and yet what the speaker has said still belongs to the speaker.
The benefits of Reflective Listening and using The Listening Cycle® are boundless. These two techniques can help you, the listener, be perceived as being more approachable, provide validation to the speaker, and support deeper communication.
Being able to really listen is no small feat! It’s so worthwhile to practice, because then communication can be more than just an illusion!